It takes two...

I have worked out that in me is two people. Like black and white, contrastingly different in so many ways.

The 'Good' me:

• Volunteering
• Running community groups
• Kind and genuinely care about others a lot
• Generally nice, non-judgemental, and would go out of my way for others.
• Kind, also, to myself

RESULTS: People want me around, don't judge me and if anything, like me.

The 'Bad' me:

• Self-centered, selfish
• Risk taking
• Impulsive to hurt myself - not just physically
• Intrusive thoughts telling me to die/kill myself and that no one likes me. It says it in phrases, I don't  believe what my thoughts say or even agree with them most of the time but it's weird how it just sweeps in and says things like:
• Push people away

'Nobody likes you, Sunny*'
'You don't deserve to be alive'
'I'm going to kill myself'
'I'm going to commit suicide'
'Kill yourself'
'No one gives a sh**'

My response (sometimes said out loud)

'People do like you'
'Shut up thats not true'
'No your not going to kill yourself, stop being pathetic'

• Horrible to myself and attempt to destroy my life to prove how rubbish I actually am.

RESULTS: No friends - bar one, I don't tell anyone anything, I feel like I am trying to cover up this messed up part of me, and constantly battle - which is tiring - to tell myself that none of these thoughts are true.

The Dr, said to get back in contact with my counsellor, but I don't want to because I am really trying hard to keep the bad bit at bay and I'm not sure talking about it is going to fix anything, I have tried, in a quite dedicated way before.

I wish someone knew. Maybe they've noticed.