I am in trouble.

I am in trouble. I have scars on my body and he is slowly noticing more and more. The worst ones are covered up...what will he say!!! I am screwed. Shit. I wouldnt expect anyone to be ok with that. No one. The old bad me wrecked it all, without even trying. How is that ok. How. Shit. I was starting to really like him.

Smile

I just smiled so wide I cried!

This guys text made me smile SO wide I cried...u dont know if I have ever smiled like that before x

Any ideas?

Wow wow wow wow. This guy is amazing. Amazing. But I feel like I have some guilty secret about having mental health issues...do I tell him, do I leave it? It doesn affect me when im with him...

Wow

So hey, I reckon he is just about the loveliest bloke i have ever me. He is normal, hasnt jumped on me, has a completely different taste in music and is kind.

Wow

I have met a guy

Oh my god I have met a guy. He is normal, laid back and funny.

I really thought I was weird and repulsive but maybe I need to rethink that about myself?  :)

However my mate who I live with is completely ignoring me coz someone else was the centre of my attention and not her.

I would usually try to make things better, but I am going to ignore it. So there.

Good day!

Two cracking, happy days. Ok so they came after a huge night out where NMB was a little too prevelant but nice.

Yay, Im feeling goooood!!

Kind of proud

I am slightly proud that I got up this morning and got ready with full intention of going on my university visit trip thing. I went to meet my mate and she turned up to be still asleep. Now, I could of gone on my own and been brave trying to self-motivate, but I went for the easy option, came back and now am starting work in desperate attempt not to feel guilty.

Fingers-crossed, I'll actually finish today.

Bed day

I have been in bed all day, i am going to get up for my meeting at half seven, and then go back to bed.

Hmmm

I am a horrible friend and im guessing equally horrible person to live with. I. just. cant. tell her. Im worried that i have let it get too bad and telling someone all in one hit must not be nice and more than likely will be taken seriously maybe too seriously.

I dont think i want to burst though and end up telling someone when im in the wrong or different frame of mind. Sometimes i seem to move to be a different person, its still part of me and how i feel but it completly takes hold of me and becomes - what someone see as 'me.' It is me but not the whole me, just a horrible slice that takes over.

I should tell someone soon. Maybe. Well i told the doctor, and phoned the specialist to see when she back. And i will find out my appointment with the psychiatrist.

The thing is, if i tell somone, the horrible low bit may takeover and my life may have to go on hold and i just dont know for how long. If i had a time estimate i would be fine.

Bum.

So close

Im so close to telling my friend whats going on. That i am trying sooooo hard every minute of everydayy to hold off whatever is coming my way. It could be a major depressive episode or something else... I dont know if i can keep hiding it. But it takes all of my energy to hold it off while i attempt to get work done. It takes all my energy to open my laptop and type words to a page, i know i have to do it, i cant give in... I am going to try so hard to not give in...but somethings going to happen i can feel it like someone in black lingering beside me...

I can feel the depression...

I noticed it yesterday. It has been creeping back upon me behind my back. 

I think the way to deal with this is to not give in and except it.

I need to GET OUT OF BED, wash my hair, smile sweetly and do some work. I think seeing people other than who i live with may be a bit too far but as long as I GET OUT OF BED, I can't be depressed again? Right?

Well who knows what will happen if i dont give in and try and do normal things.

Its so weird to see yourself changing and have no control, memory or way of getting back to how you were. Maybe I have just idolised the old me...

It takes two...

I have worked out that in me is two people. Like black and white, contrastingly different in so many ways.

The 'Good' me:

• Volunteering
• Running community groups
• Kind and genuinely care about others a lot
• Generally nice, non-judgemental, and would go out of my way for others.
• Kind, also, to myself

RESULTS: People want me around, don't judge me and if anything, like me.

The 'Bad' me:

• Self-centered, selfish
• Risk taking
• Impulsive to hurt myself - not just physically
• Intrusive thoughts telling me to die/kill myself and that no one likes me. It says it in phrases, I don't  believe what my thoughts say or even agree with them most of the time but it's weird how it just sweeps in and says things like:
• Push people away

'Nobody likes you, Sunny*'
'You don't deserve to be alive'
'I'm going to kill myself'
'I'm going to commit suicide'
'Kill yourself'
'No one gives a sh**'

My response (sometimes said out loud)

'People do like you'
'Shut up thats not true'
'No your not going to kill yourself, stop being pathetic'

• Horrible to myself and attempt to destroy my life to prove how rubbish I actually am.

RESULTS: No friends - bar one, I don't tell anyone anything, I feel like I am trying to cover up this messed up part of me, and constantly battle - which is tiring - to tell myself that none of these thoughts are true.

The Dr, said to get back in contact with my counsellor, but I don't want to because I am really trying hard to keep the bad bit at bay and I'm not sure talking about it is going to fix anything, I have tried, in a quite dedicated way before.

I wish someone knew. Maybe they've noticed.

Day one

First day not nmb, actually went reasonably well.

Keep going

Just got refused for pgce...phew right. Keep going. I have done this before on my own, i can do it again. Need to stay with the  new me only created a few hours ago. Be brave, be strong, there are some lovely things out there, lovely people, things i should be excited for. Come on keep going...dont let this wreck you even more...theres not alot of me left to wreck...

ALL IS WELL!

Have started today as i mean to go on. Bedroom and house tidy, bills paid, repeat prescription and no more nmf.

TODAY is the first day of the rest of my life and ALL IS WELL! :-)

What is this?

I am ruining myself, for no actual purpose...this is ridiculous, its not like im attention seeking or its some 'cry for help' as no one knows whats going on, so what is this? hmmm hopefully answer to follow *pondering.*

Despicable me

I wish i could be happy with who i am and not just what i do.  I really could not have pictured what i am like now when 3years ago, i was runner up of a charity award, prefect, popular-ish, sporty and slim-ish.

Now. JUST because of mental illness, i am on my own, fat, and my only things that keep me going are work, not proving my friends right, not destroying my mum, but f***ing myself up.

The only way i can do this is through, being busy and when i am not busy losing time through 'Numbing my Mind.'

Big Smile

Its funny what its like to actually be lonely, not feel it, but be it.

Constantly trying to stop myself from 'numbing my brain' (code NMB) and do something productive.

I just want to destroy myself and I know that the ultimate end isnt an option so i am trying to destroy myself in another ways.

Equally, I want everything back to normal. So its like I am NMB to cover up me wrecking my life, but NMB might be contributing to the 'wrecking' part.

It like some kind of waiting game.

Lets give it a go!

I am in my early twenties and I am an 'A' student at university.

BUT i have mental health problems.

i have no one to talk to, tell or ask for help as i have, unintentionally, driven everyone away.

From being more than just socially 'ept' i have become a complete loner, focusing on work and my mums love to see me through.

I have struggled with intrusive thoughts of self harm and i tried to stop doing it and now am reduced to piercings and numbing my brain to get me through.

THROUGH is to a normal place in my life where i dont catch myself laughing in a fake way, numbing my brain to get through social situations and taking what are called 'mood staibilisers' but really are mood removers.
please let this blog help me. Please.